Result #47: Once again, it looks like I failed to conquer this hard wired defense mechanism

#47 I'm going to make a conscious effort to not be so harsh when talking about myself.


Date: 2-16-2014

Due Date: 2-16-2015

Resolution: When I think of anyone who's ever said anything horrible about me I realize no one can top the things that I've said about myself.

I've always been pretty rough on myself. Even when I try to give myself a positive trait I usually follow it up by putting myself down. Like I'll describe myself as a loveable dumb guy, or just another funny fat guy.

I noticed that as I continue on with this whole resolution thing in an attempt to become a better person that I constantly add little jabs at myself, bracing myself for failure or reassuring others that this is kind of a joke, not to be taken too seriously because who am I to think anyone is interested in following my progress?

As I move forward I will try and easy up on myself. I'm not going to cut out the self deprecation all together, I'm just going to try and not really mean it as much as I currently do.

Update #1: The Conclusion.

Date: 2-19-2015

I think I was the first person in my group of friends to discover the art of self-deprecation. Outside of school I spent a lot of time alone with the TV which led me to become an extreme comedy nerd.

Comedy Central had just come into existence and majority of their programming was Stand-Up Comedy based. I was already a fan of stand-up comedy thanks to A&E's An Evening at the Improv and shows like Carson and Letterman but thanks to Comedy Central I had a bigger sphere of influence when it came to comedic choice.

I found that I was a big fan of most of the comedians that went on to create the Alt Comedy movement and these comedians tended to be very self-deprecating.

One day in while I was in the seventh grade I remember walking home with a group of friends. We would take turns "basing" on each other as we walked. I don't remember the joke but I remember the experience. Someone "based" on my house with a pretty lame joke.

Lame because the reality of my living situation was worse than the meager barb of the insult. I decided to give self-deprecation a shot and bridged the gap between his joke and my reality in a humorous way that won the crowd.

That became my comedic style ever since. For the longest time I was able to keep my beliefs separate from my routine but as time went by I eventually started to believe the negativity that I was spewing about myself.

I don't know if I can break this habit but I think I’m at least getting better at controlling it.

Matt Bunker

I started out with a goal of becoming a paid screenwriter. I had no interest in any other aspect of filmmaking. I received and scholarship to The Vancouver Film School's Writing for Film and Television program where I graduated in 2005. I fell in love with being on set during my first non-school produced short, . I loved being around all the creative people, seeing people having fun while working. The whole liking your job was a new world to me, so I decided to give it a shot. I volunteered for any project I could, doing what ever was needed. The set was my Film School this time. While working as a PA on a feature I was informed that the DP wanted the three tallest PAs to help out in the grip and electric department. That is when I found the department that felt like the best fit for me while I continued to write.