Good morning crickets. Welcome to day number three-hundred-twenty-three of Operation Achieve Anything. Yesterday I shared how I’m growing to accept the fact that I am entering a much calmer phase of my life now that I’ve given up wearing my extrovert mask to settle into accepting the introverted existence filled with solitude that I once desperately tried to avoid. Though I adore the people I met and the places I’ve been back when I was rudderless in my efforts to find my place in the world, unfortunately, the direction I landed on is this path that I must travel on, my own, at least until I get to the next fork in the road.
For yesterday’s assignment, I was supposed to find at least ten minutes to be on my own, which in my case, meant that I just needed to go on with life, as usual, especially considering it was the weekend where everyone is out and about, and I’m usually left alone. I don’t mean this in a “woe, is me” way because there is nothing I love more than my alone time. Granted, I do feel lonely a lot, but I’m also the type that can feel lonely while having a conversation in the middle of a crowd.
Last night, for example, I went to my oldest sister’s house to welcome my younger sister back to town, since she’ll be home for a couple of months, it was also my youngest sister’s birthday, so even though the group was small it was still a bit of an event. I had fun seeing everyone but, ever since I lost the desire to fight for attention, I feel even more lost the crowd than I did when I had more interest in being at least somewhere near the spotlight, if not right there in the middle. Now, I just sit anxiously waiting for someone to attempt to drag me into a conversation, and there’s nothing I hate more than small talk.
I never liked small talk, which is why I always attempted to twist filler filled conversations up by interjecting random jokes. Now that I no longer feel like a funny person, I just feel like I have nothing to add. To make things worse, everyone seems to prefer the old me because I used to be a lot of fun. This just adds pressure on me to perform which only increases my anxiety levels even more. I know this might sound horrible because it may sound like I’m making this event for my two sisters about me, but I’m just trying to share how I now react to gathering at all, no matter how close those involved are to me ever since I started to accept my introverted ways.
I still love to hang out and talk to people, but I now prefer even smaller engagements that are more suitable for more substantial conversation. Then again, I was always sort of this way. I always preferred to hang out with specific groups of close friends at someone’s house over going out to bars or clubs where all of the external racket would fill my head and cause me to either act like a maniac or completely shut down from not knowing how to handle my discomfort.
Even when I was at the height of my efforts to force myself into being an extrovert, I still loved my alone time, I just hated being alone. Now, I’m feeling more comfortable by myself than ever before, which is why I always openly joke about being a shut-in. I’m hoping that this phase of solitude will eventually lead me to evolve passed just being comfortable with myself as my own company to the point where I actually like myself, instead of being my own bully who’s holding me back from being me. Hopefully, the phase after I truly find myself will get me back on a path where I’m more open to accepting outsiders in once again.
I don’t know if that makes any sense, but that what I’ve got for yesterday’s assignment. For today’s task, I’m now supposed to double down on yesterday’s effort by spending twenty minutes alone with the added fun of pondering about the concept of God. As with yesterday, the solitude portion of the assignment was met before it was assigned and before I even had breakfast, and the god part will be fun, considering the fact that I’m a card-carrying Atheist. I’m not worried though because I have plenty to say on both subjects, but you’ll have to wait for tomorrow’s update for these details. Until then, it’s now time for me to sign off by saying, good day and good luck to you and all of your projects.
Talk to you soon.
The Wicker Breaker
P.S. Below are links to my novel, which I plan to promote as part of Operation Achieve Anything, as well as a link to where you can buy the book that is providing the structure to this project in case you would like to purchase it in order to play along.