Good morning crickets. Welcome to day number three-hundred-sixty-two of Operation Achieve Anything. Last night I got to wondering if the reason that I have so much trouble letting go of the past is that with social media, it’s even easier for a sentimental type to go back and relive older days. When I first moved home after my midlife meltdown, I borderline stalked my old friends who I just convinced that I no longer cared about, in my effort to go out with a clean break. I got pretty hurtful in the end as I lashed out over the hatred I had for myself and with everyone settling in, I no longer felt like I had a cure.
After about a year, I started to hide the closest of my friends because it just made my life less painful and not that I didn’t want to keep up. As an introvert, I typically find friends in already established groups, usually from circumstances like school or work where regular interaction is required. I can generally spot the fun ones and then hang around on the fringe, waiting to find my spot. I throw in jokes, and insights from time to time but I wait to be invited to join. Once in, and feeling comfortable then I’m right there in the battle for the spotlight.
Since these social circles are pre-establish and made up of people with more traditional dreams, I never feel like there’s a chance for permanence. The end is always just a matter of time. This is why no matter how low I manage to drop my guard, I always keep it very close to bring back up on the drop of a dime, due to how I handle my abandonment issues from when my parents got there divorce, where in my world, my dad just disappeared for a while. He was a great weekend father after he settled into his new space but, all of the mystery from being too young to be informed of the situation, really fucked with my ability to fully connect to anyone else ever since.
Yes, I can get really close from time to time, but I’m that I end up doing is looking for signs of friendship end times. My defense mechanism is to just not want what I know that I can’t have, so when I start to sense that things are coming to an end, I either isolate or attempt to find a new set of friends. This is why I’m so content with being broke since I never felt I had it in me to be a success. This is why I’m not into fancy things since I know that I’ll never be able to afford them. This is why I’m not into relationships since I know, for whatever reason, it’s impossible for me to let down my guard enough to really feel loved.
This is why, when I do go cold, the walls can be pretty solid. There’s no “just a little” when dealing with me because I do have the ability to have my own fun in my own little world, and this is much more appealing to me than a meet up that feels obligatory. I can’t stand the forced conversations that are involved with getting caught up, with old buddies where we used to just jump right in and actually interact without having to feel out the situations. This small talk takes me back to the days when I was still on the fringe, and I’m having an interview to get my old job back, but know I would just be going through the motions if I were to give in.
I have been able to accomplish the leave and come back a couple of time in the past, but that was before my peers grew to be so old, plus, in the two situations I’m thinking of, I actually left on a high note. The first time being when I moved to Delaware when I still thought the lump in my testicle was cancer and I was living out a twisted existence where I was attempting to passively beat the potential disease by destroying myself first with booze. I had the most fun in my life during those soft-suicide days because I didn’t have a care in the world.
I don’t think anyone knew the demons I was battling, because I always made it look so fun. Since I had only lived in Seattle for a little over a year before I decided to leave again, people knew I was troubled, but we all were. We were in our early twenties. This meant that I was still popular when I left and do to the antics that I got up while I was gone, combined with the fact that I did leave before the bridge burning phase, I returned feeling like a bit of a legend.
For years, I couldn’t introduce myself to anyone new without hearing a very intrigued, “I’ve heard about you,” and then would listen to them go on to tell their favorite Bunker story. You would think that would be an ego boost, but all that it ended up doing was put more pressure on me to perform. All this performing is how I started to lose my sense of self, but at the same time, I was having a blast.
Of course, the good times can only last so long, so I was happy to take another break when I disappeared to Canada to attend film school after earning a writing scholarship thanks to the success of one of my scripts. Again, I left on a high note, and again, felt like a hero upon my return, which then put me back into performer mode, but just like the last time, all was good with my world.
They say that you can’t move away from your troubles, but looking back, other than when I first left San Diego, and this latest return home, I never did plan to be gone forever. I just needed to take breaks from my friends from time to time in order to recharge my introverted energy where I could pick and choose the piece of my persona that I want to hang onto while testing things out amongst temporary new friends, who I never felt hurt by because they were seen as temporary from the start.
I’m realizing that for this trip away to regroup, with the modern Internet, it’s impossible to escape your history’s input. They might have had MySpace when I was in school, but I didn’t sign up until after I graduated. I didn’t have my past watching me, so I was indeed free to explore whatever changes I wanted without getting called out or receive encouragements that might send me down roads that I don’t really want to go anymore. This makes it extremely difficult to make a change when you feel, justified or not as if your efforts are secretly being watched.
I know it sounds weird considering that I am so open on this blog, but when it comes to this page, I’m much more comfortable with the witnesses since they are actively seeking the information and not just developing an opinion while killing time by scrolling through their homepage. From this point on, as soon as I curate my Facebook wall, I’m done. No more jokes, no more post, no more getting involved at all, at least on my personal page. I’ll continue to add links to TheWickerBreaker.com Facebook page if you happen to be a friend who actually does want to keep up.
I’ll still play around with the strangers on Twitter, as I continue to try to develop my voice, so if you’re a friend and like my jokes and rambling, feel free to follow me there. Eventually, I want to get to the point to where all of my online activity takes place on pages I own, or through an attached email account, in an effort to gain control over my digital world while I continue to try to find my real self. Please don’t be offended if any past interactions get thrown out with the purge because I know that the people who were the closest to me are the hardest to see. It’s really because I care, and need to resolve my relationship issues with myself before I can even think about rekindling relationships with my old friends.
If I jump the gun and get back in touch too soon, I won’t be able to break free from my arrested development. Maybe once I do figure it out, we can all have a grand reunion where we can play a game of horseshoes... A GAME OF HORSESHOES. I hope any friend who finds this understands. The sad thing is since I have no plans on adding much of a note to draw any of my friends into reading this note. I’m pretty sure that only strangers will read these words, considering I stopped getting as much as a like outside of the several strangers, a couple of friends, who I appreciate more than they will ever know, and my mom, who I think just likes posts when she sees them on her page without reading them.
If I’m wrong, I’m okay with it, because the reason that I write to the crickets who don’t even chirp while watching my one-man performance on this digital stage. If you are a friend and reading this, don’t worry about trying to respond, just join the other crickets when you check in from time to time or really dig in and enjoy the show. I’m much more inclined to respond to a slow, calculated approach to reconnecting than trying to just jump right back in while trying to act unbothered like I used to before I gave up.
This fulfills my assignment from yesterday where I was supposed to share how I handle friendship. I’m sure that the book wasn’t expecting me to take it this route but, as they say, it is what it is, and I’m dealing with it. I really hope that I will one day figure it out and that those who really know me can see the aspect of me that I shared with you to know that I’m being honest, and always was. When I said I was crazy, it wasn’t a joke even though I always said it with a laugh in an effort to ease any real concerns. I don’t blame anyone for giving me what I want, but I will use my experiences to explore where I went wrong so sorry if you come up in examples. I really do love you all.
With that, it’s now time to wrap this one up by introducing the assignment for today where I’m now supposed to get into the practice of celebrating the most minor of accomplishments in order to enjoy the journey minus the blinders of being destination obsess. This is definitely a major issue with me, but you’ll have to wait for tomorrow’s update to read more about my thoughts. Until then, it’s now that time for me to sign of as usual by saying, good day and good luck to you and all of your projects.
Talk to you soon.
The Wicker Breaker
P.S. Below are links to my novel, which I plan to promote as part of Operation Achieve Anything, as well as a link to where you can buy the book that is providing the structure to this project in case you would like to purchase it in order to play along.