The Daily Breaker: Dateline 2-8-2019

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The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.
— Juliette Lewis
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Good Morning Crickets!!! Alright, well yesterday was an interesting one. In fact, this entire week felt like a bit of a test with it being the first time since taking a month off from blogging that I attempted to go back to my old productive way of life and I’m not entirely sure if I’m ready. At least when it comes to the writing/sharing side of this blog. The last three posts I wrote were fun, but I’ve grown used to rambling to friends who I’ve reconnected with since escaping my shut-in ways, so, right now, writing feels a little empty without there being anyone to actively respond.

On top of that, this week was the first week that I’ve been challenged and felt like I couldn’t handle it since I rediscovered myself through the experiment that started on New Year’s Eve that I began to explain when I got back to blogging on Monday. It’s not the writing of sharing that’s stressing me out, but it’s the fact that it takes so long to find help when it comes to mental health that’s now driving me a bit mad.

I’ve been misdiagnosed my entire life, keeping in mind, I’m not a person who is against therapy. I have just yet to find a way to get it to work for me. The big problem has been that most of my mental health needs have been met by general practitioners who only give me pills since an actual shrink has always been cost prohibited. That, and whenever I did seek help, it was during an upswing in my mood, and I struggled to communicate the me who I can be when things get dark.

Part of me is beginning to feel that the issue is, my right brain voice has the power when I’m depressed. This is the voice that’s trying to turn my real world into one of the depressing indie films that I love. I used to think that my right/creative side was the side to credit for my happiness since it’s also the side that will come up with quick-fix solutions and cheers me up by continually looking for obscure jokes.

I’m beginning to find that it’s my right/creative side that’s the real pessimist as I literally feel that my inner voice come from just the left side of my head. This is the side that gets excited when the stories are done being written, and I’ve recovered from the intense creative process I put myself through for my craft. My left/logical side gets super excited whenever my creative side goes silent due to exhaustion because my left/logical side is the one in charge whenever I actively try to sell my work.

My left/logical side seems to have learned from my right/creative side being that I still avoid traditional approaches towards marketing. My left/logical side is also the side that keeps my right/creative side in check. I do trust my right/creative side, but I do see that, at times, it needs to be reigned in. At the same time, my left/logical side does get what my right/creative side is trying to say even when the convoluted creative logic can get too complex for either side of my brain to communicate.

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While I was coming down from my New Year’s Experiment, that I’ll continue to explain in the upcoming days, I watched a documentary about savants because I’m beginning to think that I have a very mild case of whatever condition allows these people to use their brains in magical ways. Unfortunately, my Rainman power is going towards my own fictional work. Anyways, in this documentary, they had a guy who could read two pages from a book since his eyes worked independently of one another. They said this was due to the fact that he was missing a part of his brain that allowed his right brain and left brain to communicate with each other.

The documentary went on to explain how this piece of the brain that linked the left and right brain’s thoughts with one another is often smaller in savants. Whether or not this has anything to do with me being a savant myself, which I don’t think I am, it did get me thinking about my inner voice when it comes to how I think.

Where I used to joke that there was a creative me who was a genius, with a meat me that controls my more basic functions that can’t keep up with my creative thoughts, I’m now starting to think that the meat me is controlled by an entirely different area of my mind. It’s beginning to seem that the internal conflict I feel is due to the fact that my logical side is actually in charge but, at the same time, said logical side respects my creative side more than it respects itself. This is where all of the doubt comes from since the two need one another to live, but it’s rare that both sides are on the same exact page.

It almost feels like my left/logical side has been forced into the role of the cliché lover of the struggling artist that is my right/creative brain, since I could never pull that off in reality, not wanting to put someone else through all the drama, even though I would try. It’s always my left/logical side throwing out motivational advice, while my right/creative side would just shrug everything off, thinking all of my efforts were pointless since I’m nothing more than a daydreaming manchild, who doesn’t deserve a voice.

Unfortunately, unlike all the potential love interested who I’ve managed to scare off, there’s no escaping the duality of this Piscean brain. Keep in mind that I was born on Leap Year which can get the dreamer in me to be evidence that I’m at least somewhat special, at least enough to be understood/appreciated by some small pocket of the creative world who actually enjoy my work. With the New Year’s Experiment, I for once thought I had found some balance. This was the first week in a little over a month that this balance went back to feeling a bit off.

Surprisingly, though I didn’t think this would tie into my New Year’s Experiment tale when I started this post, I’m now seeing it as an important piece to the puzzle to share at this exact time before continuing the tale tomorrow. Maybe this is why yesterday, I found it so difficult to get to work. I did feel like I was trying to write to meet a schedule and not to meet the needs of my story.

We’ll see if this is true whenever I check in with the next piece to my New Year’s Experimental tale. From here on out, this may not be a daily post even though it is The Daily Breaker, or at least there may be more sidebars like this when I feel like I’m just going through the motions and need to drum up a few real insights. Can’t wait to see what I manage to get to tomorrow. Until then, it’s now that time for me to sign off by saying, good day and good luck to you and all of your projects.

Talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

The Wicker Breaker

 
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Matt Bunker

I started out with a goal of becoming a paid screenwriter. I had no interest in any other aspect of filmmaking. I received and scholarship to The Vancouver Film School's Writing for Film and Television program where I graduated in 2005. I fell in love with being on set during my first non-school produced short, . I loved being around all the creative people, seeing people having fun while working. The whole liking your job was a new world to me, so I decided to give it a shot. I volunteered for any project I could, doing what ever was needed. The set was my Film School this time. While working as a PA on a feature I was informed that the DP wanted the three tallest PAs to help out in the grip and electric department. That is when I found the department that felt like the best fit for me while I continued to write.