Dateline 4-15-2016

Last night I got stuck in a loop of thoughts as I tried to fall asleep. I've been feeling a lack of real fun in my life that's been getting worse and worse for about four years now. It started a few months before I decided to give up my career as a struggling lighting guy for film and television.

It's kind of a rough industry for someone who is desperate to find a real human connection. You work with a group of people so closely that they seem like family for days, weeks or even months but when it's over, that's it. Everyone goes on to their next project to start their new family with or without you. 

It was rough at first when set relations didn't carry over to reality but then got used to it with time. It's more like pressing pause until you work with a person again then you pick up where you left off seamlessly and the fun continues.

I had a lot of fun until passion for the art switched to being more of a job. I got into film as a writer and started to work as a crew member to network to potential start getting my work produced. I also just love being a part of a collaborative process and working with creative people, which is really what kept me going.

I think people liked to work with me because I am pretty competent and very fun. The problem is, most of the fun in me is a coping mechanism for my social anxiety; everything becomes a joke because everyone loves to laugh.

The problem is, my writing isn't all that goofy. Though I started out writing comedy, my narrative voice eventually evolved to match what is going on in my head; dark, dramatic, quirky tales of dysfunction and loss.

There was such a disconnect between how I was seen and who I was that I felt no one ever took me seriously. I found myself fighting the urge to joke so much but I also felt pressure to stick to the character of myself that I've spent so much time developing over the years. I can't help but joke and making an effort to stop only made me hate myself even more as I failed to reinvent myself so I walked away.

Now the pause button has been pushed but the power is gone and now it feels like none of these relationships will ever play again.

At least I learned how to stop joking so much!

I had somewhere else I was going to go with this post but here we are...

Talk to you tomorrow.

- The Wicker Breaker