Yet another option for your Southland Tales marketing needs…

Whoever says procrastination is a bad thing has never attempted to watch and review Southland Tales once a week for a year.

In general… I like to watch the movie on Monday. I usually have an idea of what I want to keep an eye out for, I then like to sleep on it and write my review Tuesday morning.

Last night I was completely lost. I could not figure out my angle and felt my creative juicers were spent. About halfway through the day… I figured out an angle but it required me ordering supplemental materials.

That’s great for future reviews, but it got me nowhere as far as what I was going to write this week, so I put it off.

I woke up this morning and figured I would just wing it, and worst-case scenario… it would be another review apologizing for my lack of material this week with a reassurance that I’d have something next week.

So at 9:30 in the am I fired up the Theatrical release of Southland Tales on Tuesday… June 18th.

I got about twenty minutes into the film where Christopher Lambert calls Cheri Oteri a “Cro-Magnon bitch.”

This got me thinking of all the one-liners that stand out to me, not so much for what is being said, but more for the way these lines are delivered.

At 10:00 in the am I restarted the movie in order to hunt for these favorite lines of mine.

Here goes.

(Note: The below links all go to videos of the lines that I’m quoting. I mention this because I used to add a lot of random links, but these links are relevant so click away.)

0:01:24 “Oh, I didn’t know it had water in it.” – Water Gun Lady

(I’ve pointed this out multiple times, but I like this shot because I don’t know if she acting or really thought she messed up the camera.)

0:08:18 “UPU5.” – Bobby Frost

(I don’t know why, I just like the way he delivers the line.)

0:10:40 “Quantum Teleportation.” – Old Lady from Poltergeist

(I just like it when she says stuff.)

0:15:42 “What the hell was he doing in Nevada?” – Bobby Frost

(This just reminded me of when I was informed that my stepfather had died on a train on the way back from Florida. I didn’t get along with the man so I wasn’t too torn up about his death, but I was intrigued by what the hell he was doing in Florida. He never seemed like the traveling type.)

0:17:42 “And his bitch wife Nana Mae…” – Nora Dunn

(Again, I just like the delivery.)

0:18:20 “Hey, is that a bazooka?” – Cheri Oteri

(Delivery)

0:19:14 “Get the fuck out of my ice cream truck, you Cro-Magnon bitch.” - Christopher Lambert

(The accent really sells this line.)

0:22:50 (This is where the Rock pitches his movie idea. I like this entire scene. Will Sasso’s reactions are the best. Below are a few of the lines that stand out to me.

“Scientists are saying that the future is going to be far more futuristic than they originally predicted.” -Sarah Michelle Gellar

“He sees things.” – The Rock

“Point 0…00…000…0…6” - The Rock

“There’s no stopping what can’t be stopped…” The Rock

(Again this reminds me of the Predator, and how can you not love anything that reminds you of the Predator?)

“Then the New York Times said, ‘God is dead.’” – Sarah Michelle Gellar

0:28:40 “I haven’t had a bowel movement in six days.” – Seann William Scott

0:29:12 “When has it ever been in the bible that you have to have a bowel movement? It’s not written anywhere.” - Amy Poehler

0:33:30 “Don’t tell me what to do with my body, you fuck stick.” – One of the Pornstars

(But I mainly like the other pornstar’s take on the morning after pill that follows.)

0:35:16 “Will you two just chill the fuck out? Go get those squib detonators. They’re going to be here in like an hour.” - Wood Harris

0:36:00 “Take him down.” – Nana Mae

(I just like the calm power trip that she has.)

0:42:44 “Charmed I’m sure… He is a fine specimen… a divine specimen…” - Bea Arthur Looking Lady

0:43:36 “…but with a bang.” - Old Lady from Poltergeist

(Again she can say no wrong.)

0:44:12 “Dude I’m worried about Starla. She’s been on bathroom detail for 24 straight hours. It’s too much for one woman.” - USIdent Guy

(I really like the acting as this line is delivered as well as the line.)

0:45:27 (This is the improv domestic dispute scene. Though I think the entire scene is funny there is one line that really gets me.)

“They’re so good at improv.” - Squib Guy

0:48:38 “Dream over.” – Bad Ass Jon Lovitz

(What more can I say?)

0:50:00 (I’m not sure what the Rock is saying here, but I like it.)

0:53:00 “Did I just see two cars pork each other?” – Bobby Frost

0:56:12 “How the fuck am I supposed to blackmail some movie star if I can’t get his fucking representation on the phone?” – Nora Dunn

0:56:49 “Mr. Santaros.” – Booger

(I just like this because it’s booger from Revenge of the Nerds.)

0:57:59 “Listen, guys. I think I’m going to rollerblade on home now because I don’t really want to be involved in this anymore... at all.” – Squib Guy

(I can relate to this scene.)

1:02:49 “What? You’ve got amnesia?” – Mandy Moore

(I just like the way she says this.)

1:05:00 “Krista Now has arrived… now.” – Security Guy

1:05:39 “Hey, hey she just cut her own pop album.” – The Rock

1:05:55 “Teen horniness is not a crime. Keep an open heart and an open mind.” – Bobby Frost

(I like his take on the song.)

1:06:00 “… and her drink tastes… really, really good. Can I see the Cock Chuggers?” – The Rock

(I buy that he really wants to see the Cock Chuggers.)

1:08:16 “Because I happen to know that you are pregnant with Brad’s baby.” - The Baron

1:14:40 “Martin Kefauver has arrived.” – Military Guy

(I don’t know why I like this announcement, but I do.

1:15:50 “Falluja, shit got fucked up… anyways... Hey.” – Justin Timberlake

1:22:00 “Penetrating.” - Sarah Michelle Gallar

Though I’m a bigger fan of the follow-up.

“It’s just a suggestion.” – Cheri Oteri

1:27:15 “Eat shit you fucker.” - Nora Dunn’s Right Hand Girl

1:28:00 “We’ve made it such that an underground industry thrives on human beings.” - George Bush

(Said as if this were a positive thing.)

1:31:00 “I want to suck your dick.” – Starla

(I just love how unprepared the Rock is for this line.)

1:33:00 “There’s her car… Bitch.” – Bad Ass Jon Lovitz

(I just love how this is A.D.R.ed. It sounds funny to me.)

1:50:05 “I can smell you from down the hall.” – USIdent Guy

(This line just creeps me out.)

1:52:10 “And what did we do once when we discovered a rift in the fourth dimension? We launched monkeys into it.” – Booger

1:56:16 “Yo dog. It says transaction denied dog. Yo, what do I do?” – Martin Kefauver

(I take it that the government is onto him so they shut down all the access that his identity card gives him, though that’s never really set up in the movie so it seems like an overreaction. Though I do like the follow-up suggestion.)

“We are going to take the ATM with us to Mexico.” - Seann William Scott