Resolution #26: Bring Back The Wicker Pitch...
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Date: 1-26-2014
Due Date: 1-26-2015
Resolution: Back when I first started this blog, a little over a year ago, I had a feature called The Wicker Pitch. This is where I throw out ideas to the world just to see what happens.
These pitches are made up of story ideas, services, inventions, or whatever else comes to mind that I would like to see exist but don't know how to go about making that happen.
Granted the stories that I pitch are for things that I would write if there's any interest, but for the rest of the ideas… I don't know where to begin. I also don't really know if I want to begin them. I just want them to happen.
For example, the other day I was looking for a TV series to marathon watch on Netflix. I saw the cover for the show The 4400 and it looked interesting to me so I went to Wikipedia to see if the show made it through its entire run. I found out that it was canceled on a cliff hanger after four seasons.
Alright, I'm not going to watch that one.
This led me to think that either Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon should produce a Closure series, where one or all of these companies would produce one last episode for each of these dead-end series. I don't know about you, but I would watch a lot more of these shows if I knew that I was just going to be abandoned at the end.
(I'm going to write this up an official pitch for this later)
I think that's a good idea, but I have no idea how to approach the companies to pitch this idea. I also don't know if I would want to be in charge of this project if they agreed. I just want to see it, even if I didn't get the pay or credit. I'd be fine if someone were to take the idea and run with it and make it a reality.
That said if you do steal any of my ideas and make a fortune I'd at least like a thank you... and maybe a couple of bucks. Also if you're inspired by one of these ideas and end up losing a fortune because it's actually a horrible idea I apologize in advance…
Result #26: I Didn't Turn To It Much, But I Did Successfully Revisit The Wicker Pitch…
Update #1: The Wicker Pitch.
Date: 1-27-2014
So I've got an idea for a movie... it's about this guy.
Alright, so does everyone.
I'm just going to start throwing ideas out there.
If any of these pitches tickle your fancy feel free to:
Contact me and I'll write it.
Contact me and so you can write it.
Steal it, then contact me when you're done.
This area is meant to be fun, but if it leads to any interest, or if any of these ideas turn into anything I would like to know about it, see it and post about it.
(BTW I am in no way claiming the Robocop Musical was my idea by adding that link, it's just a sample of what I mean by anything.)
Wicker Pitch #1: Iron Chef - The Musical…
Date: 1-29-2014
Iron Chef, Cat Cora, falls in love with her opponent, Charles, as they sing and battle to impress the judges with their dishes that are comprised of the secret ingredient, live Albacore Tuna.
Meanwhile, kitchen assistant, Mandy battles with her decision to lie about her vegan ways to get on the show. This is her first day on the job and she was not prepared for such a battle with this giant of the sea.
Charles's kitchen assistant, Bruce, is able to read the situation with ease. He notices Cat making eyes at Charles and Mandy's fearful approach to preparing her dish. He doesn't share this information with Charles as Bruce decides to make three dishes of his own.
All the while host, Alton Brown, sing through the kitchen as he searches for a love of his own as the television crew chimes in as the chorus.
The judges sit high atop Kitchen Stadium watching over everything as if Gods from an ancient play.
Will Cat and/or Alton find true love?
Will Mandy be able to save her ingredient's life?
Will Charles catch on that Cat is flirting with him, Mandy is a vegan, or the Bruce is trying to usurp the Iron Chef title.
Will Bruce usurp the title?
Who will the judges choose to be our next Iron Chef?
Pitch #2: The Rise and Fall of Eddie…
Date: 2-9-2014
This is a script that I genuinely pitched to be my student project while at Vancouver Film School.
***Note: I'm not saying this is perfectly safe for work (language and content), but none of the links include any actual porn.
This Au Hasard Balthazar inspired movie is Babe meets Boogie Nights as we follow the rise and fall of Eddie, the field goal kicking donkey that was portrayed in the Disney movie Gus.
The Pitch
Eddie is an ordinary run of the mill donkey. He lives in a barn in the middle of America doing regular donkey chores, plowing, pulling, and standing around.
It’s the last day of the harvest, and after a long night of celebrating, Hank, the farmer's son, is excited to show off Eddie's newly discovered talent.
A crowd gathers behind the bar to witness Eddie, standing with a football set up behind him. Hank flicks a pebble at Eddie's testicles causing him to kick, launching the football across the farm.
The crowd goes nuts.
Eddie becomes a local hit.
Children come from miles to see this donkey kick a ball. At night the teens show up and have Eddie kick more interesting objects. He becomes more popular than the local drive-in.
Word spreads around the High School, leading the football coach to go to the farm to check it out.
The coach’s jaw drops as he witnesses Eddie's talent.
The coach comes up with a convoluted idea to enroll Eddie as a student so that he can join the varsity football team as their new kicker.
The media get wind of this and Eddie goes from a local hero to an international story.
On the night of the big game… the coach informs Hank that there will be scouts in the audience and this could mean big things for Eddie.
The game starts and it's a massacre. The other team is far better equipped and has no problem marching up the field.
Eddie is the only thing putting points up on the board for the home team, but the crowd so disappointed by the beating that they could care less.
All but one crowd member from the home side leaves just after half time.
The game ends. Hank's dreams of making it big time are crushed. They begin to walk home but are stopped by Philip, the one remaining fan.
Philip is a screenwriter who heard about this on the news and came up with a script. He traveled to the game to see Eddie first hand. He is happy with what he saw and offers Eddie a three-picture deal.
Hank and Eddie rush home to tell the folks the good news.
Pa doesn't want them to go because Eddie is the farms only donkey.
Ma doesn’t want to allow it because she feels that fame will go to Eddie’s head.
Hank storms out of the room and runs off with Eddie.
Hank rides Eddie all the way to LA.
They hunt down the writer and begin to live the Hollywood lifestyle… complete with parties… women in bikinis… drugs… and rock ‘n’ roll…
Picture one of the three-picture deal is the Disney movie, Gus. The filming goes smoothly. Eddie remains calm being that he still is just a donkey, but all the money and the fame begin to go to Hank's head.
Hank and Eddie live it up while Gus goes through the post-production process.
The movie is released. It’s a huge hit.
Filming starts on the second movie. For this film… Eddie stars as a donkey that joins a soccer team.
Eddie continues to be very professional on the set. Off-set there are many big parties at the newly acquired mansion. More and more famous people come to the party.
This movie is also a hit.
Eddie begins to appear on the cover of magazines and is on every talk show. The tabloids have Eddie hooked up with all the female celebrities.
Shooting starts on the third film. In this film… Eddie is in a kickboxing competition.
This film isn’t as successful. Eddie had just signed on to star in a Donkey Die Hard movie and now the investors are afraid that audiences are ready for a donkey action movie.
The project is scrapped.
Hank and Eddie are living far beyond their means, and Hank has developed a drug and alcohol problem that shows on Eddie.
Hank strikes a deal with PBS and Eddie gets a couple of roles in nature films.
Eddie does scenes where is almost eaten by an alligator, a scene where he has to run from a mountain lion, and a mating scene.
Hank rides Eddie to meet up with a drug dealer to try and buy more time for money owed. Hank is desperate with no idea how he is going to dig his way out of this one… then he notices Eddie’s mating scene on the TV.
Eddie begins to star in donkey porn.
Finally… Hank and Eddie are making money again, unit the FBI breaks up this porn ring.
Hank and Eddie barely escape.
Hank spray paints Eddie into a zonkey (zebra-donkey), partially to hide, and partially to stand on the corner and take photos with tourists to make money.
Years go past and Eddie's celebrity is now a faint memory.
A producer looks down at a homeless Jesus with his filthy faded zonkey with recognition.
His face lights up as he realizes that it's Hank and Eddie.
Eddie lands the role of the strippers drug thieving donkey in Tom Hank's film, Bachelor Party.
Hank's Ma, Pa, and the rest of the locals fill the drive in to watch Eddie's triumphant return to the big screen.
While Hank and Eddie watch the movie at the premiere.
The people in the premiere crack up when Eddie's character keels over as it overdoses.
The locals at the drive-in are more ashamed. Eddie appears to be more of a joke now to them and less of a beloved character.
Ma and Pa can't take it. They start up the car and head straight to LA.
After a quick intervention, Ma and Pa get Hank and Eddie to return home.
Eddie is back home behind the barn, just standing around, for no reason the camera pans down to his penis.
Pitch #3: Plausible Dreams…
Date: 3-16-2014
Did you have a dream when you were a child that seemed impossible to achieve, but now seems completely plausible.
Is there a celebrity that you would die to meet, that you can now pay $19.95 to talk to on the phone?
Is there a sports star that seemed invincible, that you now feel you could defeat in a foot race, pick up game, or wrestling match?
Was there an item that seemed like it would take a lifetime to save up for that you now own because you bought it on a whim, but wouldn't mind an upgrade?
Did you have a dream job in mind... (well this one we would just follow the guest through the application process?)
Did you have ANY dream that felt out of reach when you were young that you may have forgotten about that is now actually obtainable now?
Well… this show would be the show for you.
Pitch #4: Finally Reviews You Can Trust (A Website)…
Date: 3-27-2014
This would be a non-profit website with an edge any profit would go to charities that set out to cure the ailments that our reviewers are living with.
Following the logic of Dave Attell when looking for directions, "You're not going to trust a guy with one tooth, you're going to trust a guy with one leg..."
Our reviews will come from people who really benefit from things done right.
Borderline Illiterate Book Reviews - Tired of hearing some dude in glasses take on the latest "easy read" about man's journey to the singularity? Well, you're not going to get that here unless there are a lot of pictures and a large font.
Hobo Hotel Reviews - Just how comfortable are those luxurious beds? Do they really allow you to make yourself at home? You get to keep the robe right? There will even be a review within the review as our little vagabond Raids and Reviews the Mini-Bar
Starving, Five Star Restaurant Reviews - Each week a five-star restaurant will prepare and send their five-star meals to a nearby soup kitchen to be reviewed by people with the cleanest palates around.
Hooker Movie Reviews - With 87% of first dates being a trip to the movie theater, who would be better to share their thoughts on cinema than a professional dater?
Deaf Music Reviews - See how a person without hearing experiences and feels about music.
These may seem like offensive jokes, but I'm genuinely interested in reading reviews from the last people you would expect to be given that voice, plus the whole charity angle relieves some of the guilt.
Now …who wants to go to a movie?!
Pitch #5: The Media Butler…
Date: 4-20-2014
I've been hearing more and more about robots taking jobs from humans.
According to one article these robots are now gunning for pharmacy jobs. If I had a job where I could afford to get my meds again I'd be all for it. If you are human and can't count out 50 pills in less than a half-hour, I say you're out.
As soon as robots learn to sleep-in past 2:30 in the pm and write this nonsense I'm screwed.
It's time for us to at least take our leisure jobs back.
Our first target should be making our own human recommendations when it comes to entertainment.
Whatever words fill the blanks in, if you liked _______ then you also like ______, is nothing but propaganda and lies.
Really, just because I like Jon Benjamin Has a Van you think I'd also like...
...hold on while I look...
...Whisker Wars, what's Whisker Wars? Bearding is a sport now? I didn't even know bearding was a thing.
Alright… that one goes in the queue.
In general… I'm not happy with robots trying to figure out my tastes in entertainment. That should be a human job.
Why not take your leisure time you have on your hand from that robot taking your job at the whore house and get to work.
Media Butler would be an internet service kind of like a virtual assistant.
Butlers will spend all day comparing movies, music, books, and theater to give detailed explanations of their recommendations based on a given product.
Users will simply log in, find the item to be the basis of their recommendations, scroll through the list of recommended items (complete with detailed reasons why they were selected), and then choose their entertainment for the night.
Users can also find Butlers with similar tastes and let them battle over a movie night schedule.
If you're a good Butler a user may even hire you to come up with music playlists, take over your Tivo to program the shows for them to watch, and be their personal guide through the world of arts and entertainment.
Become a Media Butler today.
Pitch #6: The Tall Tales of Carl and Steve…
Date: 5-6-2014
This is the story of two superheroes wrapped in one.
Carl and Steve Robocop were born conjoined twins, joined ass to shoulders so that appears like Carl is riding on Steve's shoulder all of the time.
First off, let me explain the last name. Carl and Steve's father, Omar, was a huge fan of the movie Robocop. One day Omar met a lovely lady named Jamie, who also loved Robocop.
It was a match made in heaven.
These two stoner lovebirds went on to get married. When the issue of Jamie having to change her last name came up their solution to be fair and both change their names.
Nine months later Omar and Jamie Robocop became proud parents of these conjoined twin boys.
Omar and Jamie were great parents that encouraged their boys. They always remind them that even though they are different, they can grow up to be whatever they wanted.
When they find out that their children's dreams are to become a superhero, Omar and Jamie do whatever they can to support their kids to turn this dream a reality.
This is the story of Carl and Steve's journey to becoming two regular conjoined twins by day and one giant crime fighter by night.
Pitch #7: Part-Time Monster…
Date: 6-4-2014
Note: These ideas may already exist, they may or may not be brilliant, that's not the point, they're just ideas, and I'm just sharing.
The Pitch: This is a good example of a Wicker Pitch. This is would be a service that I would love to use but I wouldn't know how to get it started and I'm not all that interested in creating developing this idea. I just want it.
To fulfill my resolution to become my own boss I started to look for part-time work with a flexible schedule so that I could have a stable income while continuing my adventures as a freelance filmmaker.
Granted there are tons of job hunting sites out there and all of these sites have a part-time section, but all the listings seem to be for either sales or marketing or some kind of work at home scam.
I think it would be cool if there was a site specifically for part-time work and jobs with flexible schedules. Jobs for people that want to work but aren't looking for a career. A site for people who are looking for transitional jobs, jobs to pay the rent, jobs with the flexibility to allow people to live life.
I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older or if it's just the way that the world is going these days, but it feels like if you don't treat your job like it's the most important thing in the world then you're just throwing your life away.
These wouldn't be career jobs either. The jobs listed here would be for things like the mom and pop restaurant who wants to have someone on call in case there was a rush or the independent books store that needs someone to open the store while the owner does his morning errands or the antique store that doesn't need a full-time employee they don't even really need a part-time employee they just need someone to fill in the gaps in the schedule. Kind of like a temp agency minus the agency.
As someone who is struggling to keep up with the bills as I continue to build a career as a freelancer, I could really use something like this.
I know as soon as I post this someone is going to jump in and point out that there's a section in craigslist for jobs like this, and as I pointed out above, there are part-time search options in all job hunting sites, but this would be a site that focuses on flexible part-time work.
Pitch #8: The Soundtrack To Insanity…
Date: 12-13-2014
As I walk the aisles at my job my mind tunes in and out of awareness as to what music is being played through the sound system.
I'll notice blocks of very low tempo depressing music leading me to question if this is meant to encourage our shoppers to stop by the sleeping pill section to just end it all. The very next song is inevitably some crazy disco song, follow by music that was considered cutting edge when I was in high school which is now fully appropriate to play in a professional environment.
You as the shopper get to buy your stuff and leave. You might hear one or two songs if you even notice anything is play being that your mind is distracted by your shopping list. We are stuck with this subliminal collection of chaos.
It's no wonder the people you deal with in retail can sometimes seem like they are out of their minds. At some point in the playlist whether or not they're aware of it they actually are out of their minds, kind of like the hockey players in Strange Brew.
There should be a service like Pandora with nothing but retail store playlists so that when you have a bad experience with customer service you can tune in to what has been pumped into the employee's subconscious to understand why.
(Note: I did a search and found that you can find playlists for stores. I'm talking about a centralized location with excusing retail insanity as the theme.)
Update #2: The Conclusion…
Date: 1-26-2015
Though I did revisit The Wicker Pitch I didn't go to it all that much. I think I was too busy using all the ideas that I came up within a resolution or in one of the other stories that I had to write.
I do plan to continue to post my pitches. I'll be sure to share them when I do.
