Resolution #340: Move Back Home Like Albert Brooks In Mother... To Resolve Childhood Issues...

Date: 12-6-2014

Due Date: 12-6-2015

The Resolution: About 17 years ago I moved up to Seattle on a whim. I found a lump on my testicle while living in an unfinished garage because I couldn't stand living at home anymore. After about a year my roommates decided they were going to move and no one seemed interested in what my plan was.

I've always had a fun group of friends in my life… and no matter how long these friendships last I always feel like a performer and never fully attached… After I felt abandoned by my friends and family… I decided to make a random move… across the country… to race what I thought was testicular cancer… with an attempt to Leaving Las Vegas this world and destroy myself with alcohol in Seattle.

I think due to the divorce of my parents when I was very young I developed this feeling of detachment to cope with my abandonment issues. The moment I sense any form of relationship turning sour I completely shut down. I feel if I time it correctly I'll continue to have fond memories of everyone instead of waiting for the complete collapse.

These abandonment issues have turned me into an abandoner.

When I found out that a couple of my best friends were having a kid and everyone joked about how I would be a great drunk uncle. Meanwhile… I have five real nieces and nephews that I'm a horrible uncle to. I might visit once a year, making no effort to keep up with what these kids are up to in an attempt to avoid getting too close.

I'm always trying to avoid getting too close.

Now I'm going through another rough stage of my life where I'm fleeing my friends, but rather than move to some random new place, I'm going to move back home.

I've always gotten along with my actual family but there always seemed to have been a chaotic outsider driving wedges in what would otherwise be a happy family.

Things seem to have calmed down so I think it's finally time to learn what it's like to have a family.

Who knows, maybe if I work through this family issue then I’ll finally figure out how all other forms of relationship really work.

At least that's what I hope will happen.

Result #340: I Successfully Moved Home And Feel That I'm Figuring Things Out…

Update #1: The Conclusion…

Date: 12-6-2015

So, I made it back home.

At the time I set this resolution I was going through a real rough patch in my life. It felt like every aspect of my life that I enjoyed was either evolving or vanishing altogether. My decision to move home was as much to escape my present problems as it was to work on problems from my past.

It's taken quite a while and I haven't worked on many of my interpersonal issues but I do feel like I've been making progress on how I feel about myself.

It's been an up and down battle since I've resorted to isolation as the answer to my insecurities. I only talk to the people who either live in or visit the house. Other than that I keep to myself.

Though I'm admittedly antisocial at this time, my main problem is self-hate and the time I spend alone is time spent working on improving my outlook on life. I've discovered that I like art. I started drawing and painting which can be almost meditative. I've started to focus on education, taking whatever classes I can find online, earning certificates for everything from cryptozoology to crafting. It's been really fun.

My biggest self-improvement that comes from living at home is being able to take the time to figure out how to earn an income on my own terms. Right now I'm working two jobs from home where I set my own schedule and have been hired to ghostwrite several scripts. At this point… I still have to count on employers as I work as an independent contractor but I do feel like I'm on the right track to being my own boss.   

Where in the past, writing was my only creative outlet and my only focus in the world. With all my eggs in one basket, every single failure led me to devalue my self-worth. I know, I know, a writer is supposed to know how to accept rejection and I am pretty good at it but things get a little rough without the occasional success.

I'm now hoping in the future, if I can pull off being my own boss, I will be able to find balance and feel less desperate for someone else to step in and intervene.

I'm not sure if this resolution has been successful as far as working through childhood issues but that was just the excuse I was giving at the time. I knew in my head that I needed a break from the world and moving home was the only way to go about it.

Sorry to anyone that I pissed off in my attempts to find myself.