Dateline 1-12-2016

I'm kind of torn right now and this isn't the usual mood shifting that I usually write about in these Daily Breaker posts this is more about life in general. I've spend the past year isolating myself to the point where the only people I talk to on a regular basis are the family members I live with.

Even with social media I've cut back to where I was only posting my Wicker Breaker updates. I felt like I was disappearing and no one seemed to care. The only reason I continued to post my Wicker Breaker updates was because I'm a completest and had to finish what I started.

After I finished 365 Days of Resolution I decided to take a break from The Wicker Breaker and in the process stopped posting anything to my social media at all and again no one seemed to notice or care that I went from posting pretty regularly to falling off the planet.

During this time off I discovered my new passion in life which is learning to write code.

I don't feel as lost any more because writing code is a thing that I enjoy doing that I could potentially make a living from without all that's involved in making it as a writer writer. I always wanted to share my stories but never really cared how profitable they were. I also had no other interests other than writing weird stories.

This combination doesn't work in a world where art is a business and money is the ultimate goal.

I always wanted to find a backup plan earn money doing something that I like but also accept as a business, something creative but profitable that isn't as personal. With writing code I can be creative but I'm not at connected to the material so I'd be more open to input for the sole purpose of making money.

I'm still VERY early in the learning process but I can already tell that this is something that I'm going to be good enough at to do what I want. What I now want is to make enough money doing freelance web and app development to make a living and finance my writing (i.e. hire an editor, pay for self-publishing and promotion.)

I may still not get what I want but I feel like I'm definitely on a path that I'm comfortable with.

I no longer feel as lost as I've been over the past two years and actually feel that my enthusiasm toward life is returning. The sad thing is, I've grown very comfortable being alone, perhaps too comfortable.

I miss interacting with people both personally and virtually but I've built some pretty solid walls over the past two years that I'm not sure I can get out of or figure out a way to let others in.

This is where I'm torn.

I want to start being more interactive on my non-Wicker Breaker social media and keep in touch with old friends but I'm still a little bitter that both my subtle and not so subtle cries for help went unheard. I know I have a part to play in this and mostly blame myself but I feel any effort to resolve anything with result in a relapse of insecurity of feeling the need to please those that are important to me. 

At this stage it's easier for me just to be alone but I'm torn because it's not really a way to live life and I fear it will carry over if I do finally figure out how to achieve my dreams.