Dateline 11-20-2016

Yesterday I had a huge decision to make...

Actually, it wasn't that huge at all, I'm just finding that my content has been getting a little dry so I'm going to try and liven it up with a little urgency, just a little though, as part of this project of this point is capturing just how mundane my life has become as I write my daily letter to no one to try and reassure this nonexistent entity that I am doing just fine.

The choice I had to make was between starting my latest Android assignment or allowing myself to let go and actually enjoy my weekend. Again, I am dramatizing my options because neither A nor B matters in the long run, especially when it comes to the outside world as it barely matters to this inside world that I have created.

Sure, I feel a little better as I get closer and closer to achieving a small step in a bigger goal but I also feel a little better when I take a break from stressing out over how far I'm away from living even the lowest level dreams that I'm still developing as I try to start over so late in life.

Back when I was confident that I would eventually figure out how to make a living from my written word, it was just a matter of time in my mind. Whether not I sold a screenplay, which was my true dream, I'm prolific enough at writing that I thought for sure there would be something out there for me to make a living even if I had to branch out into the noncreative world. 

Unfortunately, my self-taught screenwriting-centric style isn't solid enough to land a legitimate job. I think that I could get there with a little training and a mentor to help boost my belief in myself but try as I might, I keep ending up alone in all of my efforts, which is why I finally decided to jump ship to find another way.

Though I am excited about my new trade of choice, I'm still 40 years old and have at least a couple years of training left just to get past the status of beginner and probably five years away from not feeling like a hack, which may take even longer minus the naiveté youth that leads one to believe that they can do no wrong.

So there's both a lot and very little time left to this gamble of a life and whether I win or lose it's like playing the penny slots... it just doesn't matter. Stick to it, play hard and you might just win the jackpot only to walk away with a cup full of pennies. 

Keep in mind, all of the above is me justifying taking the weekend off but it's hard not to feel the need to justify not going full chort when semi-publicly living an unconventional life that may or may not pay out in the end.

All of the above said, I opted to do nothing yesterday. I was feeling a little burnt out from finishing a month's worth of classes in just a hand full of days. I coding works anything like writing for me, this little break will result in a stronger end product as the ambitious part of my brain that keeps running as I relax, keeps throwing out ideas for features to add and how I can go about implementing these ideas.

Since it is Sunday, I think I'm going to go easy again as I rest up for a new week. Going easy isn't quite the same as taking a day off as I've already started to track down some resources I need to begin a soft start of sorts and in doing so I've already come up with a couple more ideas about how I want this app to work as well as a growing enthusiasm for the hard start that will begin tomorrow.

Talk to you then with more updates,

The Wicker Breaker