Dateline 2-16-2016
/I'm kind of in a weird place again, a much better place that I was this time last year but it's weird nonetheless. I'm very happy with my progress as I attempt to learn a new trade. I'm fine with struggling to get by as I move forward every day. I feel I have the potential to live the life that I want but I'm not there yet and it's probably going to take at least another year to get there.
The weird part is that I feel like I need more people in my life again but feel too focused on my efforts to get to a point where I am truly self reliant that I don't have much to offer others at this point. I have no car, I live at home, I make just enough to get by, and I'm still not sure if I can pull any of this off leading me to not feel worthy of any type of relationship at this point in my life.
That said, it's the loneliness that leads to the doubt that any of this is even worth it.
This has always been my problem. I've spent my entire life gambling on myself, hoping that I would be able to succeed on my own terms, feeling embarrassed that I've failed for so long. I've always felt a mutual distance between me and those I care about as we wait to see if I ever succeed as if I have potential worth that's not quite there yet.
I'm trying to get past that but it's hard when your alone. It's hard when your alone and getting older, It's hard when you don't have the same means to meet new people and even when you do the bonds just aren't the same as when you are young. It's hard when you never really knew if or why people liked you to begin with.
So, I'm going through another phase where I'm open to having more people in my life again, but have no idea how. I want to broaden my focus to let others in but I also still know that I need to reach a new level of accepting myself before I can do that and I'm just not there yet.
Oh well, maybe I'll get there some day.
Until then, I'll talk to you tomorrow.