Dateline 4-29-2016

This week I temporarily shifted my focus away from the job hunt and back to my web development courses in an attempt to start a whole new career. I've found that I'm a much happier person when I'm putting efforts into controlling my own life rather than when I put effort into falling in line.

I don't know, my set up is pretty good to continue this learning process. I like my living space, minus a couple small inconveniences, I make enough money to get by and I have an actual plan to achieve my goal of being my own boss. The only problem is that this plan is going to take some time.

The reason I want a second job is to speed up this process. Since I've been pretty self-sufficient for over twenty years, I have an unwarranted guilt from living back at home. I'm the only one who seems to have a real issue with my living situation because I don't feel like I'm living up to societal expectations; societal expectations that I'm plotting to avoid. 

I've been avoiding normalcy my entire life but I've always had my doubts. It's as if my dominant side which leans toward the strange still listens to the coward in my that want nothing more than to feel safe. This coward in me never allows me to commit to my more ambitious goals.

This is how I went from feeling unstoppable at the beginning of the year, when I first started to learn web development. I had ideas for sites that could at least earn me a couple hundred bucks a month. I'm not talking Jeff Bezos money but enough for a supplemental income to cover my needs as I learn.

Then I hit a block...

I'm found that I'm pretty good at the designing languages. With HTML and CSS I can easily see the language in action. If I type a line of code then refresh the page I'm building I see exactly what is happening and can adjust accordingly. I'm not so good at the functional languages and database design like; Javascript, PHP and MYSQL.

That's not to say that I don't think that I will ever be good at these languages, I just know these languages are going to take time to nail down. This is why I stopped mid-course to shift my focus to finding a second job so that I can live a more normal life as I learn. 

I want to have money to spend frivolously on creature comforts. I want to be able to buy a needed piece of software or service on a whim. I'd love to be able to go out without having to think of the necessities I'd have to sacrifice for fun, but I think I can get to this point with more struggling and more time. 

I feel that if I do land a job working for someone else, I will get too comfortable and fall back to chasing dreams instead of actively hunting an achievable goal. Yes, I'd have more money but in exchange I'd have less time. 

Now I'm torn as to what to do. If I stick to the schooling I could come closer to fulfilling my personal need but I could also fail and waste the second half of my life like I wasted my the first half of my life on screenwriting.

Since I want to build sites that are creative and small I could very well end up making interesting pages that don't make a dime. Just like I'm unwilling to budge on the style of unmarketable stories that I like to tell, I can see myself making sites in the same vein.

Oh well, we'll see what happens and as always, I'll keep you posted.

Talk to you tomorrow,

- The Wicker Breaker