Dateline 7-10-2016

I've always been obsessed with the end of the world which I feel is a major factor in the development of my anxiety and depression. Looking back, I'm not even sure how I had access to all this information because there was no internet to delve deep into the stories that secretly haunted my younger mind.

I know it started with a "documentary" called "The Name Who Saw Tomorrow," starring Orson Wells as Nostradamus. I don't remember how old I was but I definitely remember that I was in elementary school at the time. It must have been a free HBO weekend during a period where we could afford cable. 

As a child, I had no guidance and little supervision so I had a tight relationship with TV and would soak in every second of free premium content whenever any of the movie channels would make a push for subscribers. That's got to be why my 8 to 10-year-old self would watch such a program.

This was my introduction to the end of the world and I was so afraid by what I saw that I figured it was a show I shouldn't have been watching so I kept it to myself. 

Keep in mind, I was raised without religion, not that my parents were atheists, the subject of religion just never came up except for on the holidays. I mention this only to point out how I was left alone to figure out the meaning of existence which I feel gave me the freedom to explore.

Now that I'm older, I've developed a more skeptical mind but at the time I was freaked out, thinking any day could be our doom. To top things off, this was the tail end of the cold war when we still feared the bomb, adding to that, my older sister was taking lessons from the Mormons that pushed the story of Jesus's return and how the unbaptized would end up in hell.

By this time I was in Jr. High and had developed a fascination with fear and since these tales of Armageddon aligned with Nostradamus's predictions, I saw this as a confirmation of the end which led me to feel there was no hope, which is ironic because my older sister who played a part in introducing me to this concept is named Hope and she went all in for this belief with full force.

Prior to the late in life introduction to religion yet post my introduction to Nostradamus I remember a run in with so missionaries in a park. For some reason, I think they were Scientologist but whoever they were they mention prophecy a lot. They gave us a book with the word prophecy in the title, which led me to ask my parents about the concept while admitting that I watched this Nostradamus movie. Sensing my fear, the whole concept of prophecy was dismissed as being made up.

I think this led me to have a disbelief yet morbid fascination with religious prophecy and developed a sense of entertainment value to the whole topic. The same type of entertainment that you get from a horror movie where you know it's not real but the "what if" is titillating enough to cause an adrenaline rush from fear while being safe that send you on a roller coaster of emotions that can be rather addicting.

This was probably my gateway into a fascination with things like alternative history, the paranormal, and conspiracy. This is also why I look at these topics with doubt and a side of "what if," that I find entertaining. 

The thing is, after years and years of watching this stuff there is evidence that something very weird is going on in this world that I'm not going to get into with this post. This post is about how I've fallen deeper and deeper into a rabbit hole and have finally come to the point where I need to take a break, especially while the world seems to so much turmoil right now. 

I know things have been bad for a long while but right now it's gotten to the point where it is too overwhelming, especially with what I choose to play in the background as I work. Whether is a comedic conspiracy podcast or a documentary about how the powers that be are suppressing ancient technology, I'm constantly bombarding myself with stories of "they." 

"They" who actually run the world. "They," who may not be running the world but are falling for "their" tricks. "They" who aren't even of this world but are dead set on our demise. Then I go to the Facebook to read everyone else's fears of these "they's." "They" being every single person on the right, "they" being every single person on the left, "they" being the bad guys and inadvertently "they" being me in some cases where I don't even have a horse in the race.

Yesterday I decided to take a break from the doom and gloom so rather than have another "documentary" about how CERN is opening portals to dimensions that are destroying our planet, playing in the background, I opted to half-watch a fun frivolous season of a reality contest show and have to say I'm in a better mood for it.

This addiction to doom and gloom is going to be a hard habit to break but I think I need to really work on it for my own mental health. Luckily, I stopped watching TV about five years ago so I have plenty of content to get caught up on. Unfortunately, play these shows on while I work so anything scripted is out of the question because it's too hard to follow the story while focusing on my work.

Oh well, we'll see what happens and as always, I'll keep you posted when it does.

Talk to you tomorrow,

- The Wicker Breaker