Dateline 8-13-2016

I think I'm finally getting over this cold. Hopefully, that means I'll be able to focus enough to get back to work on my projects. Between the cold medicine and the cold itself, I've been feeling a bit brain dead over the past week. 

I feel like I have been having to put extra effort into coming up with anything to say. This is probably due to the fact that I've spent most of the week drugged up in bed, which is usually how I wind down the day and not how I get through it.

Part of me also wonders if my lack of inspiration has anything to do with what I wrote about yesterday; how I am way less anxious now that no longer actively seek out doom and gloom based entertainment. I'm beginning to wonder if depression and anxiety is my creative crutch and why I tend to hold onto memories that bring me down. 

I often hear about creatives that hold on to drugs and/or alcohol to fuel the creative fires within them. I often worried about this myself when I was a younger writer musing on the miserable beauty of a misguided life. 

I think I was right back then though. When I was young I did use drinking as a reason to write as well as writing as a reason to drink in order to live out the romanticized dream of being a self-destructive writer. Later, the two addiction (writing and drinking) continued to coexist but their dependency on one another seemed to fade.

For the past few years, a major bulk of my write has been created with a completely clear mind. Granted I don't write as many creative pieces since I've abandoned my dream of writing for the screen but I still write on a regular basis because I can't escape the drive.

I'm now noticing that since my anxiety levels are lower, from my self-imposed ban of doom and gloom, my ambitions seem to be leveling out as well. I spend way more time in fantasy land in times of fear. It comes to me effortlessly when I'm anxious as a distraction for my mind. I'm guessing this has always been true as I also see a connection between my anxiety and alcoholism as well.

I guess I've always known this but have never really put it into words. Maybe now that I've openly admitted it, I can get to a place work through these damaging needs to get to a point where I can just work without the inspiration of fear. Maybe once I get to that point I can evolve my writing from therapy into a career.

As always, I'll keep you posted on my progress as I work through what I'm doing wrong. Until then....

Talk to you tomorrow,

- The Wicker Breaker