Dateline 1-24-2017

Sometimes I miss being mental. Now when I say this I am by no means making light of anyone else's disability. In fact, I am not making light of anything at all. When I say I felt mental, I mean it. I'm not one of these people that claim to have OCD just because they prefer to tidy up their desk before they get to work. No, when my mind goes out of whack I have a tendency to lose my grasp on reality and pretending I'm grounded is what makes me lose my mind.

Now that I've taken myself out of the game of life, I've worked out a living situation that is safe and supportive while I try to regroup. Now that things are boring and safe, I no longer retreat into my delusional mind to fantasize about a world in which I have the power to be influential enough to create change. It kind of feels like losing my desire to escape has lessened my desire to live as I have nothing to offer with normalcy as an end game.

Though I used to feel unstable emotionally, there was a sense of excitement that came from pulling my own strings to create a rollercoaster out of this life. Whether it was positive or negative, I put passion into every effort that I made. This would start a chain reaction of inspiration that I just can't seem to tap into anymore.

Hopefully, in the near future, I will move beyond learning a new career and actually start making a living with it. I feel at that point, I will be able to better balance my realistic and fantastical ambitions. I'm past the point of feeling stuck but am not comfortable enough in progress to take on any extracurricular thoughts. I can't wait to get to the point where I am though.

Now it's time to get to work on my next step and start putting together a profile/portfolio in an attempt to lands some freelance app work, now that I've got my Nanodegree.

Talk to you tomorrow,

The Wicker Breaker