Dateline 1-27-2017

It's amazing what can happen to a person when they just stop looking at themselves. I spent thirty-some-odd years developing a persona that allowed me to cope with my social anxiety in order to interact with other. I never thought I was all that good at this act but apparently, I was able to sneak by as a quirky but functional individual.

As this heighten reality version of me started to grow I started to lose touch with my real personality, at least when it comes to interacting with others. I think exploring aspects to highlight in this make believe me is what sparked my interest in writing.

They say, when you suppress an emotion it will always find its way to the surface somehow and that's when the really me started sneaking into my purely fictional paper people, meaning the fictional characters inspired by me and not the fiction character that I was being. That is until eventual every aspect of me started to blend to the point where I no longer knew what was real at all.

It was at this point I decided to give up on the fiction to focus on finding reality. It was at this point where I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. Sure, it's hard to avoid glances when entering and exiting the bathroom but ever since I stopped dying my hair about three years ago, after being funny colored since I was a teenager, I can't stand to see myself with normal hair so it's easy to avoid eye contact.

A couple things happen when you avoid your reflection. First, you stop caring how you look so grooming goes out the window. Luckily, I like to shave my head so my hair doesn't get too out of control but when it comes to facial hair and apparel all bets are off the table. Not only did I not see my new look, I also stopped noticing the pounds that I was putting on that led me to wear what would fit over anything else.

I wouldn't say that I've reached the point of looking homeless but I wouldn't be surprised to find that I have a neighborhood nickname from my daily walks to The Dollar Tree in my irregular Burlington big and tall novelty shirts that I would normally only wear to sleep.

Now, I feel like I'm in a better head space. I'm still not a huge fan of the huge appearance I've grown into but I've now got a more optimistic outlook on life. Starting on New Year's, I've been making an active effort to get back in shape. We're now 27 days into the year and I'm 25 pounds down.

I'm nowhere close to my goal, in fact, I'm still heavier than I thought I was at what I thought was my peak, but I'm still plugging away confident that I will be able to pull this off now that I'm in a better mood. My weight is as cyclical as my emotions and it feels like the tide is turning for the better for both.

Alright, I'm off to fit in my Fitbit steps for the day. Talk to you tomorrow with yet another update.

Cheers,

The Wicker Breaker