Dateline 5-18-2017

I don't know what's going on with me. I, at the same time, feel both an optimism about my efforts and progress with this site and my big picture plans but at the same time, I feel a wash of depression coming over me that I just don't feel like dealing with at this time. I mean, I just got caught up with everything which triggered the enthusiasm that I thought would lead to a productive week.

Though my mood always fluctuates, I wouldn't say that I've felt an oncoming deep depression like this since at least the beginning of the year. I feel that since I've started the SNL challenge, I've had something that I'm proud of to give me a reason for living other than to just earn a paycheck. Any downs that may have come during this period seem to be quick outbursts of frustration that comes and goes within a couple days.

This new sense of depression seems to be coming from my very core. It's not necessarily a bad thing though as it started with my decision to get even more real when it comes to this site. Right now, even in this post here, I feel like I'm sugar coating everything as I've created yet another character of me.

That's not to say that I at all feel that I'm being phony. No, everything that I share comes from an open and honest place, I just feel that I've been constantly trying to push the lighter side of my personality especially following the extremely dark place that I ended up live in after deciding that I had to leave Seattle.

I don't think I'm ever going to fully recover and go back to who I was before I gave up on everything but I want to get back to expressing myself without feeling the need to censor anything. Over the past week, I've really been thinking about things that I want to do with this site that involves going even deeper into exploring who I actually am.

It's not that I want to shift my focus to be more negative, I just feel that I've been holding back a lot for the past couple years in a way that I feel has been blocking me from finding elusive writer's voice that is the driving as to why I write a Daily Breaker every single day just like the title suggests. 

Over the past week, I've been brainstorming ideas for posts that I want to create in the near future. It's these brainstorming sessions that are to blame for this latest feeling of depression as I am once again facing my issues rather than sweeping everything under the rug in my attempt to reassure everyone that I'm sane.

Not only am I depressed that I'm revisiting the past but I'm also worried that even if I manage to create great content for this upcoming collection of posts, I'm not sure if I'm mentally prepared or really ready to step up my game at this moment in time. For one, I don't know if I have the skills to keep up the quality of content required to take my writing to the next level. 

Then to top things off, I'm also depressed because all of this effort can feel rather pointless because no one will see it anyways.

Oh well, that's where I am now it's time to get on with my day.

Talk to you tomorrow with another update.

Sincerely,

The Wicker Breaker