Dateline 5-31-2017

Well, in a not so promising development, my stutter seems to be returning. I guess it's not really a stutter, but more that I give up what I'm talking about half way through sentences the moment that I realize that no one in the room is listening or if they are they don't seem to care what I have to say.

I know part of this is just in my head, but between cell phones and TV, I get a lot of uh-huhs and yeahs to glazed over eyes, only to be asked to repeat what I just said if I happen to mention a keyword to trigger their interest. 

This even happens when I answer questions. The other night we were watching a reality show and I was asked, "What's that guy's story again?" I went on to give a simple recap of why the person stood out which got a, somewhat enthusiastic, "Oh yeah," as a response which actually left me feeling like I was heard.

Seconds later, the person's name popped onto the screen along with their career which led to an even more enthusiastic, "Oh, he's the..." then I got to rehear recap that I just finished saying which invalidated my theory that they were actually listening.

I get it. These people have busy lives and don't want to hear me ramble on but even these solicited responses get ignored to the point where I'm on the verge of giving up talking altogether but then my silence triggers concern so I end up feeling that I'm doing more than chasing my tail while barely hanging on to the last bit of social interaction that I actually enjoy with the only people I have left to turn to.

I know this doesn't happen 100% of the time and I also have flaws of my own but with such little human interaction in my life, this makes me feel invisible and I live with the type of people who opt to ride things out to avoid conflict, so I feel this won't be resolved until I completely disappear. Keep in mind the above-mentioned incident is only an example and it's also piling on to the building sense of depression that I felt was coming on a little over a week ago.

Oh well, we'll see what happens. Hopefully, I'll have the energy to start my new challenge tomorrow as planned which may get me out of this framing of thinking. 

Talk to you then,

The Wicker Breaker