Dateline 7-19-2016

Yesterday I watched an interesting documentary called Rude Dude, about an eccentric comic book illustrator whose battles with mental illness has led him to a life of struggles even though talent wise he deserves a life filled with success. Though I've never really been recognized for my efforts and my talents may all just be in my own head, I could really relate to the disorder of thoughts that keeps this character stuck in his own world with bitter confidence that he will eventually figure it all out.

The one thing that I really related to was the fact that financial success was never a factor in how he gauged the fulfillment of his dreams. This got me thinking about my motivation and frustration with my own existence. 

The only reason I care about money at all is that I need it to survive. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't even really care if anyone ever reads my work but feel the pressure to have that as a desire in order to earn an income by doing what I love.

The real reason I write is to escape the reality of my mundane life, especially now that the thrills of youth are dead and gone. There's no more magic of discovery as my peers have learned from their mistakes and opted for safety over exploration and I'm a dinosaur to the youth with mutual mixed feelings of how we relate.

I no longer feel that I fit in anywhere and if I had things my way, I would lock myself in a room and polish ever piece of material deemed unmarketable by the business-driven community that claims to create "art." Not to finally sell but to have the finished product that I've been dreaming about for years. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine with others reading my work. I'm by no means saying that my desire is to write content to not be seen, I'm just saying it's not the driving factor to why I do what I do, which was pretty much the same conclusion of this documentary and what inspired me to write this piece.

Now it's time to get to work chasing my backup dream of building a marketable app that will afford me the chance to be free, but this is just a slightly more achievable fantasy.

We'll see what happens and as always I'll keep you posted as it does.

Talk to you tomorrow,

- The Wicker Breaker