Dateline 7-25-2016

I once heard a story of a man who walked out of a sporting goods story with a canoe that he didn't pay for and no one attempted to stop him. The reason why? He didn't hesitate and walked with a confidence that no one thought it was possible for a person to break a law in such a blatant way. 

Part of me feels like this is what is going on with this current election cycle, two horrible candidates pushing the limits of what is acceptable while continuing with the confidence that no one is catching on. The scariest part is that it seems to be working, leading my sense of sanity to spiral out of control.

Another part of me, the part that may be affected by this election cycle, feels that this might be the perfect plan to save my skin in the case of an alien invasion and this why I am now saving up for a full body, realistic Predator costume!!! 

Sure I've always wanted a full blown Predator suit ever since seeing the movie back when I was a young lad, but now I see this novelty as a survivalist tool allowing me to justify switching this from a childhood dream to a necessity for a grown ass man... 

... a grown ass man that fears the upcoming alien invasion.

Here's what I'm thinking.

If aliens invade they are definitely going to target the humans. It's not like a fleet of space monkeys are going to land and decide to conquer the world by defeating our dogs and cats, no, in order to take over you have to target the top of the food chain, and last time I looked at the menu, the monster that eats all is us.

Top dog, top target.

Upon spotting the first flying saucer I will slap on said Predator suit and sit in my room, going about my business, waiting. Hopefully, this form of passive hiding will be enough, as there are billions of people on this planet they can't go door to door and if the aliens decide to blow up the neighborhood I will at least die doing what I love, but on the small chance that a spaceman does enter my room I could give them the all clear hand single as I pretend to scan the room.

Even if they don't buy that I'm one of them, especially if Predator is way off from what the alien species looks like, I'm hoping they'd be confused enough to just let it be. Either they would think that I'm not human therefore not a target and they'd get back to dealing with my kind once their main goals are met. Or maybe they'd just like the cut of my jib and ask me to join forces. This would mean killing a lot of humans but at least I'd be on the winning side (yet another common theme to this voting cycle.)

I'm hoping that this plan will allow me to last just a little bit longer than those of you who try to resist. Sure you might be laughing but look to your right and then to your left and tell me you're not prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse? Even then, zombies were once human and as a former human, I'm sure they are all aware that the Predator is the ultimate head hunter who has plenty of brains to share as he prepares his collection of skulls.

Either way, I'm far less fearful of either of these scenarios over either outcome in our US election because I have no costume to hide from Hillary or Trump.

Oh well, it's time to get back to work in my efforts to develop an income stream to finance my new survivalist plan.

Talk to you tomorrow,

- The Wicker Breaker