Dateline 9-14-2016

Once again, I am back in my groove. 

I know I go back and forth with being in, out, falling into, or on the way out of ruts, but that's part of the fun of living with a mental disorder. I'm not sure why but I was stricken with sadness starting last Friday, though the sadness didn't last long, it did manage to zap a lot of the motivation that I had built up in me over the past month while taking the latest Android App class that I'm taking. 

I spent Saturday with my youngest sister and my nephew where we swam and watched a couple movies. Of course, these weren't simultaneous activities but they did manage to lighten my mood but I still struggled with finding my motivation to get back to work.

Up until this incident, I spent several hours a day for almost a month either taking lessons or working on assignments. Not only did I love was I was learning but the quality of this course felt like it was legitimizing my attempts to make a career change this late in life.

Granted I still feel this way but taking the weekend off kind of made me feel like I was giving up. I only ended up taking four days off and I'm still a little over a month ahead of the suggested self-training pace, but since giving up on screenwriting, I'm hyper-sensitive about what I put my efforts towards out of fear that it's just another misguided ambition that will end up leading nowhere.

This was my thinking Sunday when I could work up the energy to get out of bed. 

By Monday, I talking myself into accepting that I took the weekend off like a normal human would. This is another area where I'm hyper-sensitive since moving back home to find my new path in life. My job is so minimal that I have a lot of free time to focus on learning a new trade and I have done just that; taking over 65 classes in the past year. 

The problem is since all this education has been self-paced it doesn't feel as legitimate to me. I've also had several areas of interest that I got really excited about focusing on in an attempt to establish a new career. Though I do think these past efforts were important in leading me to this place where genuinely feel like I now know what I want to do, I still can't help but feel like a failure until one of these efforts turns into a money making venture. 

Later in the evening on Monday, I got back to work on my assignment. It took me a little while to get back up to speed but once I got started I remembered why I like app building so much and spent the last two days working at my usual pace, minus the doubts that were dragging me down.

I'm also back to sleeping on a graveyard schedule so as soon as I hit publish, it's time for a nap. Once I awake, it'll be back to work. I'm hoping to be done with this assignment by the end of the week and of course, I'll share what I've got when I'm done. 

I look forward to seeing what the rest of the day has to offer and I'll let you know if I have any insights in the morning.

Talk to you then,

- The Wicker Breaker