Dateline 5-22-2017

I think that I managed to avoid the deep depression that I felt coming on as I now feel back to my normal boring self. As I said in a post a couple days ago, I really think that these daily post where I explore what is going on in my head helps me avoid going too deep especially when I honestly work through what's going on rather than constantly trying to reassure an audience of zero that I'm doing perfectly fine the way that I used to.

Not only do I feel that getting things off my chest helped to get me back to feeling balanced, the release of stress this caused finally allowed me to get a solid night's sleep that I feel is the main contributing factor when it comes to controlling my mood. 

This positive shift in mood started sometime after publishing Friday's posts. At the time, I didn't even write up everything that I wanted to get to because it was too draining to spend as much time as I was to relive everything in my mind. I then cut off my post abruptly and went to my bed to nap.

While I was asleep, I witnessed the first dream that I've had in weeks. This dream seemed to be an attempt to tackle an issue that's been on my mind for quite a while that I never really thought of as a high priority of a concern. 

In the dream, I was living back in Canada taking a second shot at the screenwriting school that I that I graduated from years ago. I was throwing around the idea of dropping out because this was round two and I found the whole thing completely pointless, plus I was getting zero support from the staff.

Right when I was about to give up, I decided that I needed to get a second opinion rather than purely go by the thoughts going on in my head so I went to the admin building in hopes that I would find someone to intervene as a mentor to help guide me through my choice.

The only problem was, as with the rest of the staff, nobody treated me like I was actually there. Instead of actually treating me with compassion and discussing my concerns, the person who was assigned to help me just gave me a stack of index cards and told me to write about what I was planning to do.

I went to write about my issues only to find that the index cards that were given to me were made up of recycled junk mail with barely any white space for me to fit in my words. I sorted through the stack to find the clearest of them all and when I went to write my first sentence the pen was out of ink, leaving only the imprint that was etched in by the ball.

The person who was assigned to help me did notice my annoyance and they did actually help by handing me a second pen while still saying nothing at all. This pen had plenty of ink, so much so that it dumped out, destroying the only clear index card that I was able to find. I then had to sort through the rest of the stack and write where ever I could find the space.

As I struggled to fit in my story, I saw a couple familiar faces of fellow classmates who also ignored my existence. It was at this point that I gave up on it all and just stood and walked away. Though I don't think this was in any ways a reference to my current concerns, I can totally see where it was coming from but in a weird way it helped me accept that some people in my life are just gone.

I don't really know how this helped but I felt really bummed when I first woke up but after a few moments of reflection, it felt like the darkness was gone.

Sorry, for the rambling dream interpretation post, my mind is still cloudy from getting too much sleep which is an extremely annoying phenomenon. Whenever I get a full night's sleep it seems to take at least half the day to get out of the cloudy hazed head that makes it hard to feel all that creative.

Hopefully, my head will be out of the clouds by the time I get to my SNL review, either way, I hope even more that I can keep up this quality of sleep and get used to it so I can get back to writing the interesting stuff that I wanted to write during this building bout of depression because unfortunately, I do feel like my work is more interesting when I'm feeling at least a little down.

Oh well, we'll see what happens, and as always, I'll keep you posted as to what does.

Talk to you tomorrow,

The Wicker Breaker