Dateline 8-12-2017

I guess when I say that I am going to take a break, I mean that I am going to take a break from the outside world as yesterday I planned to take it easy only to end up working on Phase III of my prep-work plan for my SNL reviews. Once again, I put in a full eight hour day not counting the time it took me to fulfill my self-imposed obligations for the day.

This doesn't mean that I failed at my plan to take it easy in order to decompress from the week of heavy human interaction in an attempt to recharge my introverted brain. No, yesterday was a success because it was not my workload that I felt I needed a break from and I successfully manage to get through the day with minimal human interaction.

I know how horrible that sounds but sometimes my desire to be left alone does not stem from my unhealthy isolation tendencies to where I avoid people in an attempt to avoid getting hurt. More often than not, my hermit ways, though selfish, stem from my desire to have complete control over my own schedule in order to work on my projects which again is selfish but is the biggest source of effortless joy that I have to look forward to in my life, especially since growing out of my party animal phase when my drive used to be way more social.

The fact that I used to be way more social may be while I now feel extra guilt about my new desire to stay hidden in my shell. This might also be why people may mistake the fact that I now neglect my social life with a more mean spirited reason as to why I no longer want to hang out which in turn adds yet another level of guilt and is probably the source of my social anxiety as these layers of guilt feed off of one another.

Deep down, I just don't feel like I have all that much time left on this Earth, whether that means I die tomorrow or a handful of decades from now, I have a head full of ideas that I'm genuinely excited to spend the rest of my life trying to adapt into the proper medium to where my ideas will make sense to others the same way that I see them in my head.

As of now, there is a bit of a disconnect between the way I think and my ability to express myself as clearly as I would like which is the whole point of this web site. As much as I love to do the challenges/experiments, they are meant more as a motivational tool to keep me on task as I continue to attempt to find my confident writing voice as opposed to the voice that I have now that I feel is very close but has yet to contribute to a piece of work that I would consider a final draft.

This is why I'm not all that surprised that every time I claim that I want to take it easy, I end up putting in twice the amount of work into my personal project while shutting the rest of the world out. Hopefully, today will be a repeat of yesterday because I can't wait to finish off all the prep-work for my SNL reviews because that will free up so much time, I'll be able to add a new project into my work routine.

So with that, it's time to get to work. Talk to you tomorrow when I check in with another one of my daily updates.

Cheers,

The Wicker Breaker