Dateline 8-5-2017

Sorry if my Daily Breaker posts over the past couple days made it sound like I was living through some sort of major ordeal where I've been wronged or treated unfairly. To be clear, the main issue that I was struggling with had to do with my social anxiety to where I was mentally tormenting myself over perceived pressures to hang out with family members who were in town who I used to feel really close to but now feel like a borderline stranger when they're around due to the fact that I lost the feeling of self over the past several years to where I no longer have a grasp as to how I relate to anyone.

It would have been really nice if my visiting family set aside an afternoon or evening for a smaller get together where we could actually get caught up but their visit was short so understandably they fit in as much time with as many people as they could. This made it so that the one night that I actually did hang out, I felt like I was alone in a crowd, which is a feeling I'm somewhat comfortable with amongst strangers where I just blend into the background but being a former extrovert makes me stick out like a sore thumb when the crowd is made up of people who used to know me when I was fun.

What made things worse was, not only did my avoidance make me look like an asshole due to my mental health but I also cared this discomfort over to other areas of my life to where I screwed things up with the girl that I was hanging out with before all of this nonsense came up as I got stuck in my head how horrible I am at relationships of any kind, so all that it took was a tiny stumble for me to force the fall.

The saddest part is, I'm probably more comfortable in this situation than if everything managed to work out, which is why I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a shut-in's lifestyle because I'm tired of disappointing people and knowing that my inability to maintain a relationship of any kind may have started from outside influences but now it's 100% my own fault.

So, that's what's been going on in my head for the past couple days and now it's all over, hopefully, I'll be able to my equilibrium before too long and of course, I'll keep you posted as to where I am on this path to normalcy when I check in tomorrow with more news.

Talk to you then.

Sincerely,

The Wicker Breaker