Dateline 8-6-2017

One of the things that suck about being mental is how once you get distance from an event that set off your anxieties it's easy to see how you overreacted which then just adds guilt and sorrow to the thoughts that clutter your mind. 

I know, this week, I've been hung up on the topic of my social anxiety but it's been a long time since my shut-in ways have been challenged by people who haven't heard a word from me since my outlook on life has changed from where I used to be the life of the party to where I now can't get comfortable in any type of group interaction that requires a person to smile.

As I said yesterday, I spent this entire week super stressed out even though I successfully managed to avoid my visiting family except for the day where the party was at my house. The thing that made it so stressful was that I really did want to get caught up but I'm not Mr. Goodtimes anymore and I worried that my updates might bring everyone down leaving me to hide in corners while not making a sound creating an awkward energy.

Now, everyone has gone back home and the family in town has gone back to ignoring one another, which, sadly, is my comfort level and now I'm free from the panic attacks to reflect on why I am the way that I am and I think it all goes back to being a super shy kid who spent his entire life trying to break out of his shell only to fail time and time again which led me to build thicker walls.

Though this may sound like a horrible way to live, I'm still working my ass off in an attempt to pull through it, even if to an outsider it seems like I'm being selfish with my time to do nothing but goof off in my room. 

Oh well, I guess this is just the life of a starving artist once they've passed that age where it's no longer cute to chase dreams but it's the only life I know, and I'm going to stick to it because I can't go back to a 9 to 5 day where I felt like the living dead.

So, that's what's going on in my head right now. We'll see if it changes tomorrow when I check in with my daily check in.

Talk to you then.

Sincerely,

The Wicker Breaker