Operation Achieve Anything: Day Three-Hundred-Forty-Five, Dateline 12-11-2018
/
“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.”
Good morning crickets. Welcome to day number three-hundred-forty-five of Operation Achieve Anything. I’ve been feeling myself slowly slip into another phase of depression over the past couple of days. Part of this has to do with the fact that Christmas is approaching and I typically suffer from about holiday-based blues now that I no longer feel as close to my family, outside of my sisters and mom, as I used to back when I was a kid. It just feels too weird hanging out with strangers who used to seem extremely close. It doesn’t help that it’s a family day, and I never saw it in my cards that I’d have any kids, so I do get a bit bummed out while watching the little ones at play, knowing that I will never have one of my own to play along.
It doesn’t help that ever since my Thanksgiving epiphany, while heavily sedated on edible medical pot, where I felt that I that I saw a well-defined path on how to turn this hobby into a job, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends trying to get as much done to start the New Year as ahead of the game as I can. This just doubled down my feelings of being burnt out, but it also feels more and more like a gamble with each passing day as I get further and further away from my last paycheck. Though I still see the potential and progress, it’s still a pretty big nerve-racking move to go all-in when you already have next to nothing.
Where at first, this new game plan gave me a burst of energy to where I was working twelve hours a day for a little over a week, which has in turn screwed up my sleep while ruining my mood in the process. All of this is part of the reason for this weekend’s bender, after a quick introduction to my middle sister’s friends from out of town. Though the meetup was brief, it really reminded me of back in the day when I used to have friends as an outlet for when I used to feel this way. I miss having an escape from my daily routine.
Thankfully, the bender did work in that it forced me to get some sleep to where I’m now on my old sleep schedule once again and am back to feeling well rested enough to rationally work through any quick issues that are being thrown out by my brain. As I’ve said many times in the past, sleep regulation is probably the most important I need to keep a clear head, and though I’m aware of this issue, it’s not always easy to give into my sleep needs when my manic side thrives off of sleep deprivation. The hyperactivity and rambling thoughts can feel like a benefit for up to about a week before it inevitably leads to a crash. Then I finally get some sleep, and the cycle starts all over again.
This repetitive pattern can make it feel like I’m stuck in a loop, but at the same time, I do feel a sense of growth by the end of each of these cycles since I usually use the downtime working throw any issues running around in my head. This is probably why my bouts with feeling down no longer seem as extreme nor do they last a long. Especially now that I am getting much better at keeping on top of my slumber. Well, aside from periods where I need to be extra productive for a while. I’m now realizing that I’m willing to make this trade-off as long as I remember to remind myself that any extra pressure to complete a specific task can be released instead of replaced when I’m done.
This actually plays into yesterday’s assignment where I was supposed to openly share my intentions and explore whether I’m a man of action or a man of words and as always, I’d have to say that I’m a man of both. During my productive periods I am extremely active in my efforts to improve my own world, but when my mood crashes, I can get stuck trying to explain away where I feel that things went wrong. Again, the fact that I’ve been actively at this for over twenty years should be enough to prove that I’m putting in the work. At the same time, it also proves that I may not always be putting my efforts in the right directions, considering I’m still struggling to find my place on this world while having mixed feeling about the journey I’m on.
So, there you have my views on yesterday’s task, now it’s time to introduce the assignment for today where I’m now supposed to pretty much practice the concept of Babysteps as promoted by Richard Dreyfus’s psychologist character from What About Bob? I kind of already tackled this with today’s task in that whether I feel up or down, I’m always moving forward even if my steps grow to be small during my bouts with depression. Of course, I’ll dig deeper into this topic when I check in with tomorrow’s post. Until then, it’s now that time for me to sign off by saying, good day and good luck to you and all of your projects.
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
The Wicker Breaker
P.S. Below are links to my novel, which I plan to promote as part of Operation Achieve Anything, as well as a link to where you can buy the book that is providing the structure to this project in case you would like to purchase it in order to play along.
