Dateline 5-31-2016

Alright, I think I've finally fought through both my cold and my mystery ailment from last week. Yesterday I felt mostly cured and today I'm feeling completely fine. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Now it's time to get back to business. 

Today I'm going to revisit the cleanse I false started last week, right before I got sick. For the next several days I'll be living off of the magical elixir of lemon, cayenne and maple syrup. Again, I'm not really sure if I believe in the cure all benefits that you might read about on the internet but I've done this cleanse in the past and have found it's helped me break bad eating habits before starting a healthier diet. 

This past year and a half has been quite an internal battle that's resulted in me putting on more than a few pounds. That said, I've also experimented with my diet during the ups that I think I can meld into a healthy meal plan going forward. This cleanse is an attempt to kickstart that plan.

Ever since I moved back to San Diego I've been severely depressed as I've tried to figure out what I want to do with the back nine of my life. The first year was mainly moping as I struggled to grasp the changes I made in an attempt to get out of my stale life that was growing destructive as my passions were evolving to become nothing more than dead dreams.

I guess that moping was actually mourning because I knew that this time there was no going back and the character of myself that I once loved in the past  was in the middle of the death throes that come with moving on. 

During this time, I desperately tried to keep myself going but I felt so lost that at best my efforts were half-assed. I finished my 365 Days of Resolution experiment that I was, at one point, so proud of, failing any effort that I didn't start pre-move. This was another blow to the self-esteem, which my inactivity and poor diet weren't helping at all.

The thing is, though I was giving up on a major aspect of my life I wasn't giving up altogether. I was desperate to find my new way but aware that it was going to take time. 

At the beginning of this year, I learned that I love web development, which was nothing more than a hobby until I started to learn to code. Now I have that as a new passion but I still have a lot of learning to do before I can capitalize on it, which has me in a better place but still in a limbo of sorts.

This promising lead to a future career put me in a better head space which led me to seek therapy to help me crawl out of my hole. The start to therapy has an odd effect of both being beneficial and depressing as you dig up skeletons in order to fight demons.

I finally got to the point where I felt the benefit more than the sorrow of reliving the past when my online therapist decided to quit providing services. This led to a mixed bag of emotions as I was feeling better but wasn't ready to start over, working through the past with a new person.

Now I'm waiting for my benefits to kick in so I can get back on my meds. I'm hoping that a combination of having goals again, therapy, and medication will get me back on track to where I don't feel like I'm just chasing my tail.

So now I'm stuck waiting again. 

I guess it's not really waiting as I am, and always have been, putting efforts into other areas of my life. I'm still taking my classes, I've found another new passion in gardening in an attempt to grow my own food which would definitely improve my efforts to eat healthier, all this while I continue to plot my writing career which I hope to implement once I get back to being more financially secure.

The thing I have to remind myself is that I'm only six months into this plan for a brand new existence and that things are going to take more time and training than my idealizing head envisions in the fantasies of me pulling this off. 

Sorry if this got a little rambly but that's how my head works.

Talk to you tomorrow,

- The Wicker Breaker