Dateline 6-28-2016

Yesterday ended up being a wonderful waste of a day. 

As I've pointed out in the past, I feel like I'm living an unjustified life. I combat this feeling by overloading my day with tasks to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy. Granted I get a lot done but I fear that outsiders don't really appreciate those that pave their own way. This negative external perspective just makes me work harder to validate my day.

I'm fully aware that I put most of the weight on my shoulders but the results are the same no matter who is to blame. I feel overworked and underappreciated without even having to leave my room. This leads me to work even harder, hoping that if I do pull off the dream that is in my head, I will feel successful enough to deserve a break.

Lately, I've been so inspired by the app-building course that I'm been taking that I haven't been able to sleep. I either find myself fantasizing about features that I want to learn or sleeplessly stuck staring at the screen trying to resolve the issues with a code that I'm trying to implement. On average, I've been getting around 4 hours of sleep a night for the past three or four weeks.  

Yesterday was supposed to be another busy day. I went to bed and woke earlier than usual so I thought I was going to have even more day to play with. Then after completing my day job, I had no choice but to take a nap. This past month has finally caught up with me and my body wasn't having any more.

I had a podcast playing in the background and only intended to shut my eyes for a few minutes to then get back to work. Two hours later I woke in silence and after trying to stand up, I decided that my dreaming wasn't done. So I fell back in bed and laid there in silence and for the first time in a while, felt like I was at peace with the world.

I usually can't stand this feeling and would have turned on the TV to create a soundtrack as I slept on but this time, I didn't even have the energy to find the remote so I continued to sleep in silence. It felt so good that this little nap evolved into a full on slumber leading to my first eight hours of sleep in quite a while. 

Though the fact that I was able to pull off a midday slumber without anyone noticing or caring doesn't help my feelings of inadequacy, I do feel recharged in a way that I really need. 

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I'm on the right track as far as achieving my goals, I just don't know where I stand with the outside world, but then again, who really does?

Now it's time to get to work.

Talk to you tomorrow,

- The Wicker Breaker