Dateline 4-10-2017

I think I've finally reached that point of no return, get over it, you're old and this is how it's going to be from here on out stage of life. Granted, I've been feeling the evolution since I turned thirty but back then I held on to as much of my youth as I could, swearing I could beat the systems if I could only get discovered as a writer.

At that time, I had somewhat valid beliefs that I would actually make it. This is when my sole focus was screenwriting and I had one close call to where I landed an agent and almost sold a script where I would have been linked to my personal hero. This was before I ever stepped foot on a set, which played a big part in killing my dream.

This dream of my collapse on the verge of me aging another decade and all my fun friends were settling into being adults. This is by no means a criticism of anyone, I just started to feel left behind while also being on a completely different path and it turns out mine is leading towards a dead end, so I guess it was good to jump ship when I did to avoid any more collateral damage.

Now, I'm old and it's harder to make friends especially since I'm unsure if I can handle reliving the process. I also wake with aches and pains to where I now feel pain from parts of my body that used to just work without recognition when I was young. 

Even my attempts to get healthy don't give me the benefits that I feel that it should. For the most part, I've given up drinking but have yet to lose a pound. This year, I took up walking, and though that has helped me with my weight and ability to get around, it only brings up news aches and disappointments.

Disappointed in how I used to see twice the benefits in half the amount of time and how these improvements seemed much longer lasting. For example, I've been walking 10,000 steps literally every single day since the start of the year. In that time, I've taken off a good amount of weight and could walk longer without feeling winded.

Then, last week my head landed in a strange place so I decided to take a break in an attempt to reset my mood but I screwed up and reset it to depression. Keep in mind, I didn't change what I ate, I just cut down on my physical activity and in that time, I put back on half the weight that took forever to lose.

So here I am, joylessly riding this thing out, trying to make it as tolerable as possible and despite all my doubts that I'll figure it out, I'm still putting in the effort. So this week, I'm going to get back to walking and see where things go from there.  

As always, I'll check in tomorrow with another update.

So, I guess I'll talk to you then,

The Wicker Breaker