Dateline 8-2-2017

So yesterday happened. 

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad day, and my anxious posts leading up to this big family event weren't about my fears that things would explode or go bad, these posts were more about not looking forward to the anxiety ridden day that played out almost exactly how I thought it would and I'm beginning to wonder if it's this predictability that leads me to not look forward to activities where I already know the outcome.

The day started out as usual since our guests weren't expected until 4:00 in the PM, I was able to get in all my self-imposed blogging obligations done and then had to take a nap to silence my anxious thoughts. The anxiety stems from not seeing my cousin who was the closest thing to an older brother to me that I felt abandoned by after he moved away close to two decades ago.

It's not that I was ever upset that he moved, but I do wish he was better at keeping in touch because it was more the silence that felt abandoning that the fact that he was no longer there and what makes it worse is I have the same exact issue with my dad which has led me to develop abandoning ways of my own and is the true reason I take issue with these people who left to go into silent mode because I now do that myself because it's the only way I know.

This is how I developed my all or nothing approach to relationships and though in my younger days I was able to put "nothing mode" on hold during brief visits and put on a big smile to compete with the family for attention to retell the same old stories we share every time we're together. Remember when this, remember when that, always avoiding the awkward. 

Now, I don't have that in me anymore. Though it will come out from time to time, I want more meaty conversations that just won't happen on a family trip. So, I end up doing a lot more sitting in silence in the middle of a noisy room. From time to time, a moment would arise where I would get a second of private time but it never lasted long before another family member would hijack the conversation.

It's probably better off that I never did end up getting time to really talk to anyone because I don't want to bring down my cousin or his wife on this rare family trip that is supposed to be fun, which was actually the true reason for my anxiety.

Right now, my biggest concern in life is bringing others down because I'm not the always happy person that I used to present myself to be because I know if asked "What's going on," no one really wants to hear the real answer, and I no longer have the heart to explain, so I sit in the room like a fixture waiting to be spoken to before coming up with a small talk answer.

I hate that I feel this way but it is what it is and at the end of the week everyone will be gone again and life will be back to normal.

We'll see what happens today and whatever does, I'll be sure to share it tomorrow.

 Talk to you then,

The Wicker Breaker