Good Evening Crickets…

Is there anything wrong with just giving in to my depersonalization/derealization tendencies to detach myself from reality until the pandemic is over??? It’s not like I want to go out and do damage… minus any fear of consequences… because I still believe in the physical world and have empathy for all that makes up this world… it’s more that I’m no longer sure about the weight we in the present put on the past while trying to create a new future…

I just want my tiny living space… the family that’s near… my dog… my garden… and my projects… other than that… I want to be left alone… it was always fun having friends but I no longer have the playful personality around others that I used to have… I now feel like the friend who stayed too late to the party… who I was… and still am when I have my drunken attempts to joke on social media… that’s so out of practice now that I only drink once a month…

In fact… I want to do this to fulfill the promises that I made to these old friends and family members… promises that I’d create content to keep them entertained and then all have fun with any potential income to be made… unfortunately… I started to despise the feeling that I’d have to become successful in strangers’ eyes for my loved ones to finally check out my work… that’s why I started to isolate myself over five years ago when I decided to move home after living in Seattle for over two decades…

But then again… I was even isolating back then… working the graveyard shift a lot in order to avoid overexposure because I always felt that the cartoony energy that came as a side effect from my self-medicating to deal with social anxiety… was easier to handle in small doses… it also allowed me time in the morning to drink alone and write… time that I would have spent partying if I was on the same schedule as my roommates and friends…

Those drunken mornings taught me how to detach myself into those fictional worlds… only seeing others on the weekends… because not only did I work graveyard… I also chose jobs where I would work alone… or… if you’ve ever worked graveyard for a while… it really can feel like your working with ghosts… because most late shift workers seem to be battling some sort of demon in their heads… hard-working people with distant stares…

I wonder how many of them were actually like me… sleep-walking through their paid job in order to have more mental focus on what really mattered to me… the projects at home waiting on my computer… now that I’ve aged out of feeling the need to be a fun guy… in order to collect stories to write about… and have grown too comfortable spending all of my time by myself… what’s wrong with letting a few playful delusions bear more weight on my outlook on life than continuing to live with the miserable outlook that I can’t help but create when actively following the news of this time…

I’m fine burying my head in the sand at this time… because I’m too ill mentally and physically to put up a fight if I wanted to… I’d be much better of being distracted until my body and mind are well enough to handle more than just hoping that the good guys will win in the end… or better yet hoping for the end of the era of binary thinking that others are all good or all bad while we ourselves are perfect…

Alright… I’m high enough to go to sleep… thanks for the read if you got this far… and I hope you come back tomorrow!!!

Sincerely…

The Wicker Breaker